First and Lasts

I'm sitting in the dark on the couch with my baby asleep on my chest. He's 3 months old and when he was a newborn he would sleep like this all the time. As he's gotten older and allowed me to put him down I have done things while he's been sleeping like laundry and cleaning and eating. But today we sat down to pray the rosary...and he fell asleep around the second decade. I thought it would be a quick little nap but he's still asleep and holding tight. I've been so excited to count his firsts like the first time he grabbed at a toy, babbled at me, or giggled. The firsts are so numerous as he is so new.

But it's the lasts on my heart tonight. When will be the last time he sleeps on me like this? When will be the last time just my smile brings so much joy to him? When will be the last time I'll get to kiss his cheeks as many times as I want before he's too excited to run and play?

You see the firsts come fast... but I'm afraid the lasts will come faster. I'm afraid they will go sneakily unnoticed if I don't pay attention. As we get busy with the days and he starts sleeping more at night (most nights anyway) I know it won't be long before time has passed and with it little things will be replaced with new ones. Firsts will replace lasts. I already can't tell you hen the last time I saw his startle reflex was. I haven't seen it in a while but when was the last? When did his hand get big enough to hold more than just my pinky? When was the last night where he refused to sleep anywhere but on me? He's already lived 25% of a year and that little amount flew by. If its any indication of time I know the minutes aren't long enough.

So I'm going to sit here in the dark. With the laundry half done, and the house a little messy just typing this little note on my phone to remind myself that I need to remember the firsts, but oh dear I hope I can remember the lasts.  The last little glimmer of day light is going down and I'll never get these moments back and while I don't think this is my last night holding him like this...the last will come one night and it may come unannounced and unsuspecting. So I'm going to treat today as if it's a last so I can look back and remember this because this is a perfect moment and I am beyond blessed to be this kid's mom.

Zooming Out And Growing In Motherhood

As I sit on my couch watching my sweet son sleep in his swing and have my puppy snuggled next to me, I'm amazed. I'm amazed at where God has brought me and all he has brought me through. Right now I feel like he is currently bringing me through many things. I'm experiencing the challenges of caring for a newborn, being sick, somehow having tweaked my back, the challenges of breast feeding, and limited sleep.  He's letting me trust Him in the unknown of the season we are in. I think it could be easy to get sucked in to focusing on the challenge. If my life has taught me anything through it's challenges is that there is always joy on the other side of suffering. Moreover my catholic faith has taught me to embrace the suffering as a gift. So today I'll embrace the gift, because the gift is so sweet.

You see this time last year I was praying for a morning like today. I was praying for baby smiles and sleepless nights. I was asking for the gift of motherhood. I knew it would be hard, in what ways exactly only experiencing it could tell me, but I wanted to steward young souls for Jesus. It wasn't until I was pregnant that I began to see that while my heart was to steward young souls, God was working on stewarding mine through this task. You see marriage is the vocation God has called me to, and babies are a wonderful fruit of that vocation. It's not just what I'm called to do: to wife and mother. It's what I am called to be.

But being takes growth and molding. I'm not by nature the woman I need to be to be the wife and mother my husband and child need. So God patiently is working on me by breaking my selfishness. He's giving me a chance to fully depend on him and to prepare me not only for work He has planned but also to prepare me for the work I'll one day do in heaven.

I'm learning there is purpose in the 3 am dance party my son wants to have. It's to remind me as I'm bending and noticing how sore I am, and how its 3 am and how tired I am, and realizing we need to put tissue boxes every 2 feet in the house, that while all that is valid and true, what is most true is the smile on my son's face when he stomps his foot on the piano of his play mat and it starts up with a tune. There is hope in that smile, and a reminder of grace. As a parent I am learning to put my sons needs first, and I'm constantly thinking about what I can do that is best for him. On a small scale it's helped me see God, who while I don't always see it is doing the same for me. And while I wouldn't have said a 3 am dance party was what I needed- it was. I needed that sweet time with my son. I needed to watch him hold his head up better than he ever has. I needed to snuggle that sweet boy as he fell asleep. If I get sucked into the details of the moment I miss the joy that it brings. I see this a lot in my son.

Fulton doesn't see that when I'm taking off his sleeper and changing his diaper that it is best for him, he sees it as cold. He doesn't see a few steps ahead how nice it will feel to have a fresh diaper, a clean sleeper and his little legs massaged. He doesn't yet get excited about going in the car seat, because he forgets how much he enjoys the car ride until we are there, or that being in the car seat leads to a car ride. He's looking at the moment he's in, that he's out of his mamas arms and strapped into a car seat.  And I'm learning from him to just look at a moment but also to remember that moment is just a beautiful part of the big picture.

Maybe that's what we grow in as we are older. We learn to zoom out in our vision. We take in more and more information to make a more complete picture as we grow but yet our picture is so lacking compared to the zoomed out picture God has.  When life is hectic I find it hard to look at the bigger picture but get sucked into the details. While this can be helpful at times there is also so much value in taking a step back and remembering the tough minutes are just minutes but oh the many hours we are blessed with each day.

It's this that I'm learning to practice that is helping me with the feeling of a messy house, with no meal plan, and with no schedule. These things are stretching as I value order and organization. If you told me it would be February and I still don't have a planner for 2017 I wouldn't have believed you a year ago. (Yes I value a paper planner. I like to write.) And yet, here I am, into February and my planning consists of a stack of little papers on my desk that I probably don't look at often enough.  I haven't made a to do list all year, when I was a daily to-do list maker.  It's not that I don't get things done it's just knowing I only have time for the top priorities and those aren't hard to forget as most of them involve Fulton.  It's the breaking down of my will and desires to rest in the truth that God is working on me, and molding me.  It's taking the time to just watch my son in his swing, memorize each detail of him and soak in the bigger picture, that these days are going faster than I ever imagined. I don't just want to survive them I want to soak them up.   So I am learning to be in the moments, but not of them. To appreciate the bigger value of the minutes I get with this boy.

So I'll continue to sit here with the the heating pad and the puppy snuggled up watching him sleep, and going through more tissues that I care to admit. Even though a part of me wants to get up and do all the things I see that need to be done just in this room. I'll enjoy the rest this allows for this time next year who knows if I'll get a Monday like this, watching my sleeping newborn, snuggled with my puppy, safely in our home. This even though tough, is truly the best day for me and I don't want a miss this.


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Newborn Cloth Diaper Favorites and Recommendations

We have made it through 6 weeks of cloth diapering! It's a time where many parents don't cloth diaper as it can be tricky. Many fear meconium staining but let me tell you friends it left no stain to be found. Many worry about size as you could have a 5 lb baby or a 10 lb baby and the need would differ but some of the options can work no matter how big your baby is they can accommodate it.  Some worry about the laundry coming home but for us really it wasn't hard at all, just throw it in the wash and press a few buttons. We were doing laundry anyway so it wasn't an addition. Honestly, when I was searching there wasn't a lot out there on the process of doing this. The majority of diapers made are called "one size" Diapers. These claim to fit from birth to potty training with some adjustments of snaps. However, while they claim this most mamas will tell you that these don't fit right away on most babies. The skinny little legs have to chunk up first in most cases. For our little man he came home around 6 lbs 11 oz. Most One Size diapers start between 10 and 12 lbs so none of them fit him right away. I will say looking back the Lalabyebaby One Size possibly would have fit since the leg holes get so small but would have been a huge fluffy butt on my child. So we used newborn diaper options. I've tried to review them as we go which you can see here:

Week 1
Week 2
Week 3
Week 4
Week 5

So to round out week 6 I am going to do an overview of what we liked, didn't like and what I would do differently.

Flats- We didn't use flats but I think if I had another newborn I would want to try this as you can customize the fit a lot more than with a newborn pre-fold, though it does take some extra steps. It was the extra steps that kept me away but now I think it really would have been a great way to go. Flats are generally a large square or rectangle of fabric that can be folded one of 100 or so ways.  This is how your grandparents cloth diapered only we don't use safety pins anymore we use closure devices called Snappi or Boingo.

pre-folds- these are layers of fabric sewn in a manor that they are pre-folded flats. It takes some of the work out of flats but still requires some steps. We used the newborn Green Mountain Diaper pre-folds and Thirsties DuoHemp pre-folds. For a newborn the Thirsties are a little bulkier but they do absorb more. The GMD orange edge worked great until he hit about 9 lbs and then it got tough to get around him. I will also say my son is a heavy wetter so he outgrew the absorbency of these pretty quick on their own with a cover. We mainly used an angel wing fold with a snappi. We did try to pad fold it into a cover (which cuts out a step) but oh goodness is that messy for a breast fed baby. We did this once and never again. We did have some osocozy pre-folds which I would not recommend as a favorite but work. Overall I'm glad we had the Thirsties and GMD and if I did it again I would use both still. We now use both of these to stuff pocket diapers. Pre-folds seem to keep on giving in this way and they clean up really easily.  To close a pre-fold I prefer the Snappi. I think every cloth diapering mama needs at least a dozen of these.

Fitteds- Fitteds are simply an absorbent diaper that does not have a water proof layer on their own. It is similar to the effect of the pre-fold around the baby in that the whole thing is absorbent but you don't have to worry about a fold. These are amazing for a longer duration, like nap time. The whole diaper is absorbent and then a cover is added for the waterproof layer. We used the Ecoposh fitteds, Green Mountain Diaper Workhorses and Kissaluvs fitteds. If I was to skip anything it would be the Kissaluvs. They work but they seem to hold so much moisture to my baby's skin that I did not like how wet he was. We had zero leaks with any of these so from that stand point they are great, however I do think we can only give half of that credit to the fitted and half to the cover. A bad cover over a fitted would change everything.  I would have loved to try the Thirsties Natural Fitted but maybe another time. To close the workhorse I prefer the Boingo. I was able to get a better fit this way but honestly you could use the Snappi. As he moves more i appreciate snaps over using a Snappi as I think I get a better fit this way but the cover really helps with most fit issues.

Covers- These are a waterproof layer to put around a flat, pre-fold or fitted. We have several one size covers which I haven't tried yet so I can't speak on them. From birth the only cover that fit was the Rumparooz Newborn Cover and now at 12 lbs is still fitting with room to grow. The Thirsties Size One is a very popular cover and we love it but did not fit from birth on my little man and did not work for his umbilical cord. It probably could have but was too close for comfort to me. I'm glad we have some of each. The main feature that makes these great is double leg gussets, thats too stops around the legs to prevent leaks. We haven't had a leak with either one and I love them. We did have some Bummis covers but honestly they are tougher and did not like them at all so we don't use them. We had 2 size small and did not try the actual newborn size covers. We also didn't try blueberry covers but I would like to in the future as we are now really enjoying their blueberry simplex diaper.

Pocket- Pocket diapers have the waterproof layer on the outside and on the inside have  place where you can customize the absorbance of the diaper. This is helpful as baby grows and has different needs you can change the insert without having to change out the whole diaper. We are now able to fit into several pocket diapers as he is 12 lbs! I will say I do not enjoy removing inserts from pocket diapers as it is messy so I prefer diapers that do this on their own. AppleCheeks has been the front runner of the pockets as the insert self agitates out and the fit has been amazing. I believe it could have fit from birth but due to his umbilical cord stump we didn't try this until 1 week. However these now are what we use most. We have switched to using the Bamboo inserts from AppleCheeks but initially were using the pre-folds discussed above. This was bulkier but did the job. We switched when he needed more absorbency than the GMD pre-folds as this made up the majority of our options. We only have about 5 of the Thirsties pre-folds.  We have tried BumGenius, Charlie Banana One Size, and Rumparooz G2 pocket diaper as well. The Rumaprooz was the first to fit and I appreciate the double gusset feature but it is really bulky even with just the newborn insert. The Charlie Banana fit's great now and is more trim but I really love the BumGenius 5.0 and AppleCheeks the most so I do not reach for it as often. If I had it to do again I would either just use AppleCheeks or AppleCheeks and BumGenius.

All in One- These are just as the  name implies - all the parts needed, absorbance and waterproof layer are all sewn together. This is helpful for a quick change, making it most similar to a disposable but can not be customized as easily. You can add doublers or boosters (extra layers) if the diaper allowed but it does cause an increase in bulk and may change the fit. Newborn all in ones we tried included: Thirsties all in one, Thirsties natural all in one, Grovia Newborn, Blueberry newborn, Smartbottoms Born Smart, Imagine newborn, bottom bumpers size small and Little Joeys.  From a lot of reading I did I found it was best to try several things to see what we liked rather than buying all of one style which may not work for your baby. I am glad we did this as I learned a lot. I found I enjoy natural fiber diapers much more than synthetic as they are more absorbent but take several washes to get to their peak absorbency. A little more work on the front end but I just threw them in with our normal loads of laundry until they were ready. Favorites of these included SmartBottoms Born Smart, Grovia, Bottom Bumpers and Thirsties Natural All in One. I enjoyed the others but if I had it to do again this is what I would use. The SmartBottoms and the Thirsties Natural were more trim than the Grovia and Bottom Bumpers. They all help up about the same. The bottom bumpers still fits at where these others do not, but they were the last to work with the leg holes. The Natural and bottom bumpers were the only ones of these that did not fit from birth. I will say we had a few Little Joeys (4 total) and I was glad we had these for that first week as they fit his tiny legs and worked with the umbilical cord so I definitely will be keeping those also to hopefully use in the future.  We didn't try the BumGenius Littles as while they are super simple and trim, I read a lot about people's concerns with absorbency and opted to skip them but the BumGenius free times fit him pretty well at about 9 lbs. Now that my little boy is here I am really glad we did since he is such a heavy wetter.   I will say he is now fitting in Blueberry Simplex and SmartBottoms 3.1 and these are surpassing BumGenius Freetimes quite quickly, but if we are sticking to what worked in the first 6 weeks we can't talk about these.

Friends I didn't receive anything from the companies listed, they don't know I'm writing this and they aren't paying me. Some of these were gifts as I registered for cloth diapers and some sweet friends helped provide for our baby.

6 weeks complete but we have no plans to stop. We have loved cloth diapering and using cloth wipes. I would recommend it to anyone as it is much easier than I ever thought, much more cost effective and healthier.

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Newborn Cloth Diaper Favorites Week 5

Alright my little man is growing so fast. It's amazing! He was born at 7 lbs 1 oz, dropped to 6 pds 11 oz after birth and now at 5 weeks is 12 lbs 2 oz! So we are finding new things fit! We are still loving cloth diapers.

New this week: BumGenius pockets and free times fit. I was excited to try these since they are a popular option. I like the ease of the free time as I don't have to unstuff them, but I like the ability to customize the pocket. They fit good and no leaks so far. They don't bump my apple cheeks out of the favorite spot but they are a great option.

We also fit in Smartbottoms 3.1 ! I can't really review this one yet as I'm trying to get it fully prepped before I speak on it. As it is a natural fiber diaper it requires a lot of washes to get absorbent but I'm excited when it does.

We did have to switch out the inserts for the Applecheeks as he is a super soaker. So I tried out some of the 2 ply Bamboo inserts and was amazed at how much bamboo holds compared to cotton and much more trim. We don't have a lot of them but we have a  few which helps the diapers last a little longer on things like car rides.

Here we go : Week 5 favorites

Fitted: GMD workhorse. It's named so appropriately. That with a cover we can get away with for quite a while. I can't tell you how long but we did use them overnight and I changed at the 4 hour mark when I fed him. No leaks. Maybe could have gone longer but that was more than enough.

SmartBottoms 3.1 in Rover

All in One: Grovia One for overnight. It's super bulky so I never use during the day. My little man is a heavy wetter and needs both inserts in it for overnight if I don't change him when I feed him. Also it wouldn't fit it wasn't for the velcro options so I really hand it to the designers on that detail. It's pretty awesome.  During the day I'm liking the BumGenius Freetime so far but I have some natural fiber all in ones prepping and we will see what wins. For now I'll show you his first SmartBottoms 3.1 One Size.

Pocket: Applecheeks are for sure the number 1. BumGenius fit well but there is something about those ruffles! And I love how soft it is compared the BumGenius. Pockets however are really determined by what you stuff them with. We used the BumGenius newborn insert and it really did hold up for my little man which was great but I didn't love it as much as our Lalabyebaby. For Applecheeks we use either newborn pre-folds or 2 ply bamboo inserts. The bamboo is much more trim and holds much more.  I will say we have a  few other pockets but while they fit (Charlie Banana one size, Rumaprooz G2) I don't reach for them unless I have nothing else. The Rumparooz is really bulky but I love that it has the inner gusset. The Charlie Banana was really bought for it's cuteness and to try the brand. I like it, really soft but it doesn't have the inner gusset so that did lead to a quite messy clean up on Fulton. No leaks but I felt bad for him.

Charlie Banana One Size 

Covers: We haven't tried anything new but I do love the Thirsties. We are still on the smallest rise on the size 1 but in Rumparooz newborn we have had to go up in the rise which means the Rumparooz may not last as long, but worked for us when Thirsties was too big. I'm glad we had both styles for this little man. I will say BestBottoms fit well the whole way, I can't say if it work have worked for the first week as it went too high for his cord and we had to wait. However this little skinny legs at the time didn't chunk much the first week at all so I really do think without the cord issue it would have fit.

My newborn cloth diaper series will end next week with week 6 but don't worry we will continue sharing the cloth diaper journey. Be sure to like Beautiful Good True on Facebook for notifications on updates. Also Check our another newborn cloth diaper guest post I did here: It's Just a Load of Laundry

Newborn Cloth Diapering: Week 4 Favorites

4 weeks into cloth diapering and I love it. Truly. No regrets. In fact I say almost daily how glad I am we aren't buying disposables and how much I love his cute fluffy butt. My husband feels the same.

My little boy is a heavy wetter for sure. I'm going to run down our favorites this week.

Fitteds- We still love the ecoposh fitted but we were able to try the Green Mountain Diaper Workhorses. We have 5 in size small and they are amazing! I initially thought I wouldn't love them as fitteds and pre-folds tend to become fully wet which I don't love against my sensitive boys skin but I was amazed at how good the workhorses are and they don't bother my son at all. My husband loves the Workhorses and asked if we can get them in bigger sizes for later. He feels confident doing this and putting on a cover. So for everyone who thinks you need an All -In-One for your husbands don't worry. 

Covers- I find myself reaching for the Thirsties Size 1 covers over the Rumparooz newborn but that's probably because I have more of them. Both are still great 4 weeks in.  We also have 1 best bottoms cover which I like. We have 2 Bummis size small covers which are still too big and the PUL is very hard. 

All in One- Grovia ONE!!! It fits great around the legs which is the problem with most of the All in One One Size diapers we have. He is almost 10 lbs but I think it would have fit much smaller. It fit him at 9 lbs. Bumgenius was too big in the legs when it was tried at the beginning of the week but he is getting chunkier everyday.  The Grovia ONE with just the newborn insert holds up to this little man's heavy wetting and contains everything else he puts out. We still love the Thirsties natural all in one but the Grovia holds up way longer so we use it at night.

 Pocket Diapers- Favorite by far is AppleCheeks Size 1 and honestly have ordered more of them since they work so well. The inserts agitate out in the wash. We stuff with GMD newborn prefolds and Thirsties DuoHemp pre-folds. I'm a big fan and recommend them both.   Very close runner up is Lalabye Baby One Size. I love the idea that this is a one size diaper and claims it will fit until potty trained. I tried this on him at 9 pounds and it fit great so I think it may have fit sooner. We only have 1 which was a free gift with purchase but I wish we had a few more they are that lovely. Unlike the other one size pockets they are very trim. In fact, this is the most trim diaper I have for him that is absorbent.   This could also be used as an all in two but we have left it as a pocket so far. We also have 2 Charlie Banana one size that fit but these are very fluffy on him and I don't love them at this time however they do work. The Rumaparooz pocket also fits well but I don't enjoy pockets I have to un-stuff a pocket diaper that is not clean.  It is also very wide which I don't love as much as this stage but I think it will work well as he gets older.

Lalabye baby one size on a 4 week old newborn about 9 1/2 pounds

Rumparroz G2 One Size Diaper on a 4 week old about 9 1/2 pounds

He's growing fast and we are thankful that we don't have to pay for disposables as it is amazing how many diapers we go through.

Birth Story: The Master Had Need of 60 Hours.

At 35 weeks they wanted me to be given Terbutaline to stop labor as I was having contractions, but I refused it, knowing I was just doing too much at work. I went home and rested and the strength and timing of those contractions stopped as long as I didn't do much. Fast forward a few weeks I made it to full term. We were ready to meet our child, but knew that baby could be in there for up to 7 more weeks. We were patient but ready. We had spent weeks going through classes for the Bradley Method hoping for a natural birth.

On Sunday December 11th around 3 pm my water broke. I was 38 weeks pregnant on that day. Having never been pregnant at first I was not sure as I was standing in the kitchen and a smaller amount of fluid went on the floor. I looked down as my husband came around the corner and said "Either I just peed myself or my water broke." I went to the bathroom and found I could empty my bladder so perhaps it was my water. I didn't think much of it despite this because while I was having contractions they weren't super painful and they weren't as close together as we wanted them to be before I went to the hospital. This is what we had decided was best during our bradley classes.

Prepping for Our Lady of Guadalupe celebration at our parish

So I went about what I was doing- packing up Christmas presents. We had time to wait so no sense in rushing to the hospital.  Well a few more gushes of fluid and we were certain that it was my water. There is no way my kidneys worked that fast. We had taken bradley method classes and wanted a natural birth so we figured labor would progress slowly. I had not made it to mass that morning, but had gone to help with RCIA. It was a tough morning and I was so tired, but Paul reminded me we might not have too many left. We had no idea how true that was. So we did some things around the house, put the hospital bag in the car, fed the dog, contacted our dog sitters and agreed to bring them the house key at mass. I told my husband I wanted to go to confession and to mass before this baby was born. It was the Sunday of Joy of Advent.

Leaving to head to the hospital

We got in the car, got to church and asked the priest for confession. He listened to us and told us he would pray for us. I wanted to experience this beautiful sacrament. We walked into the church and a large statue of our Lady of Guadalupe was there as her feast day is December 12th and our parish was having a procession with her that evening. I sat in the pew asking our Lady to help us. She is the patron saint of expectant mothers and I knew I was not only expecting, but very close to meeting my child. It was interesting that it felt as though several ladies from the church, not knowing what was happening seemed to be especially kind and encouraging during this mass. The mass was beautiful and it was exactly what I needed. I didn't know at the time how much I would need this encouragement through labor.

Last bump picture with what looks like our dog

We walked toward my husband's class and a pretty large gush of fluid and a change of clothes later we got some things together for his students. I was eating snacks knowing that whenever I went to the hospital I wouldn't be eating so I was going to eat while I was on the outside. When everything was all set for my husband's students we went home so I could grab a couple more things we had forgotten and we drove to the city where I was delivering. My contractions were picking up in strength and timing, but I was breathing through them. We got a snack, and then we decided to walk around the pond outside the hospital. It had been decorated for Christmas with lights and music and made for an enjoyable walk. It was getting to where I had to stop for contractions. They were becoming more painful and about 4 minutes apart. They lasted about a minute. It was hurting quite a bit but I was determined to keep walking as long as possible. We were walking back to the car to get a water when a large gush of fluid happened and my contractions greatly picked up. I changed clothes and went into the hospital thinking we would meet our child on December 12th sometime.

walking around the lighted lake

We checked into labor and delivery around 1030 pm. I was having a hard time walking down the hall to sign in, but I was able to do it. Nitrizine test was positive, but I was only about 1 cm dilated despite all the contractions and walking.  I was the 10% that had premature rupture of membranes. They admitted me around midnight. They told me to take a nap, but I knew my water was ruptured and it's only safe to have that for so long and my contractions were painful. So I got up, I bounced on a birth peanut (like a birth ball, but not as helpful in my opinion.) I slept about an hour while my husband slept about 4. I walked in the room back and forth, bounced and did everything I knew to try and stimulate an increase in labor. I noticed however my contractions seemed to be slowing instead of increasing and the fluid stopped. So, I decided to lay down.   Maybe I needed rest to continue. 90 % of those who have premature rupture of membranes can naturally progress in labor.

Checked in and ready to meet our little one

A few hours later my doctor came in and I declined to be checked. Since I had slowed down we knew I wasn't close to transition and I wanted to minimize checks as to minimize risk of infection. I spent the next day doing what I could. Walking the halls, going up and down the stairs, bouncing... anything I could think of. I was praying for strong hard contractions and when 5 pm came and I wasn't having contractions and I wasn't having any fluid. Due to the amount of time passed I couldn't go home due to risk of infection so we decided to start Pitocin. I was the 10% that didn't progress, had been ruptured more than 24 hours, and had no fever - but we knew this kid had to come out sooner rather than later. So they let me eat and then hooked me up. You see to be on Pitocin you have to have monitoring and an IV. Before this I had requested no IV and no continuous monitoring. Now for our safety we had to. I could still get up, but it was harder. I had a blood pressure cuff on that really was the most frustrating thing of it all. So they started low and kicked it up every 20 minutes and my contractions were strong, fast and back to a pattern that could be timed.  I labored like this all night and it was definitely a hard night.  It hurt quite a bit and we used many of the bradley relaxation techniques. My husband did counter pressure, stayed with me, read to me and encouraged me. While the pain was bad I knew that God could use this.  We watched the clock tick away December 12th and start December 13th. A night on Piton is a night like no other. Pain doesn't seem to really cover it, but my husband was amazing. He prayed with me and together we anticipated maybe we would meet our child. I was walking in circles as I was tied to the monitors around 5 am when my water broke again. It turns out it had resealed and that is why the fluid had stopped and why I had stopped progressing. Well the second time it was something like in the movies. Pain picked up which was exhausting.  The next morning they checked and I was 4 cm. My water had been broken over 36 hours from the initial break.  We were so excited progress had been made, but so sad that I wasn't further along. I had a new energy that morning despite no sleep.  So I got up and tried to move despite the pain. The contractions picked up to an almost unbearable point.  I was breathing and my husband was praying with me, reading to me, doing anything to help me. We were going through the rosary and the divine mercy chaplet, but it did get to a point where I could only listen to him. The contractions for hours were 2 minutes apart and sometimes up to 2 minutes long. They had to come turn down the Piton as they got so close together and so long that it was unsafe. At one point they were 3-4 minutes long and no break in between, but I knew this is what we needed to go through to meet our child. The lack of sleep was starting to get to me, but I just kept praying. That afternoon I was checked again and only 4 cm still, but it turns out my water had resealed... again. Yes. 3 times. My doctor broke my water which possibly was the most painful thing.

Given the go ahead to push

I lasted about an hour, but the contractions were so close together there was no break in between and I hurt too much to get up much less get to the bathroom to empty my bladder. A full bladder makes contractions more painful. At this point I had gone 29 hours on Pitocin without medication for pain. Up to this point, it had been 53 hours from when my water broke initially and we were looking at either a C-section or I needed to try an epidural to see if this would relax my body enough to progress. I was exhausted and we knew that even if I could handle the pain to get to 10 cm I would most likely not have enough energy to push when the time came. So as much as I did not want to I accepted an epidural, but even the Bradley Method says that there are cases where it is necessary. We were the exception.  With this I was able to take a nap, which was the first real sleep I had in days. I woke up around 2 am telling my nurse I needed to push. She told me it was too soon and didn't check me. I told her again after a few contractions that I really thought I needed to push. It was my first child, but when they tell you that you will know when your ready they were right. They called the doctor and the nurse checked and said I was right, it was time to push. So we started before the doctor was there. A couple of good pushes and then the nurse is stat dialing my doctor saying that my push caused the baby's heart to decelerate. Turns out I have a tilted pelvis and while all my Bradley Method training had told me not to push flat, this was my only option if I didn't want suction or a C-section. So I laid flat and pushed and it honestly was incredibly difficult, but it worked. 15 more minutes of pushing and we had a head and an announcement that there was a lot of hair on this baby's head. The doctor asked if I could reach the baby and told me I could catch. So on December 14th at 3:09 am Fulton John joined the world and I caught my own child. I pulled the baby on my chest and my husband forgot to tell me it was a boy, but I knew because I watched him pee on me right after birth. It was such a relief to welcome this child. So many hours of pain and challenge and we knew God had a plan. Holding my little boy I then a few minutes later hear something along the lines of "crap" and my doctor is telling me that my placenta has fallen apart as my uterus was exhausted and they had to manually remove it. I can tell you the epidural didn't cover the pain of your doctor manually removing your placenta piece by piece, but it was okay because I was holding Fulton so the rest didn't matter and I would do this all again if it meant I could have this little boy.

holding our baby boy just after delivery 

Through our challenging labor of 60 hours I slept about 5 total during that time.  What I've learned in my challenge is God sure multiples joy as we experience suffering. I want to share that as I know so many have had your own struggles in pregnancy.. labor and delivery... postpartum. I know that while there was great suffering the joy has been unbelievable.

What got me through was something I listened to Mother Angelica say while laboring early on. She said (paraphrasing) we experience suffering to grow us, to make us the holy people God needs in heaven. She explained that he has a unique plan for each of us and who he needs us to be to contribute to heaven. I had never thought of that idea. I know He needs us to be on our journey for our contribution on earth, but that I can contribute to heaven amazed my heart. That God needed me to be molded more through my experiences to grow in the holiness so that I can be a Saint for heaven that is helpful in what he needs astounds me. When I was a Protestant I thought about getting to heaven and even thought perhaps we just stare at God when we get there. Don't get me wrong I believe we will adore Him in a huge way in heaven, but it reminded me of St. Therese of Liseuix - that she said she wasn't going to purgatory that she was going to burn her imperfections here on earth so she could hurry up and get to heaven and spend it doing good on earth. It reminds me of one of my favorite things Our Lord said in scripture - he's telling the apostles to go get a donkey so he can ride through the town on Palm Sunday and gives them instructions to go and tell the man that they get this donkey from "the master has need of it". It's like if someone came up to you, stole your car, and as they were taking it said, "sorry the master has need of it." I can imagine their faces ,but yet they were obedient and got to see the plan and the glory some time later. For now I know the Master had need of our experience and I ask Him to continue in me what He needs so that I can spend heaven doing great things to help here on earth.

God bless you friends.
Anita

Week 3 Newborn Cloth Diaper Favorites

Time sure flies when your having fun. My little boy is now 3 weeks old and its been the best 3 weeks.  He is growing so fast. We weighed him yesterday and he was 9 pounds 2 oz! It was a week where he noticeably is bigger. He feels more solid and his legs aren't so skinny which has made more options with the cloth diapers. He has however peed a lot more, a whole lot more, and this has really tested some of the diapers for absorbency. 

Week 3 Cloth Diaper Favorites 

All In One's- We were able to try something new since his legs are a little bigger- Bottom Bumpers. We have 3 - two size 1 aplix and size 1 snaps. Both fit wonderfully and are so absorbent. They also are fairly trim so they do a good job with his clothes.  Plus, they are made in the USA!

Bottom Bumpers aplix all in one size 1 

Bottom Bumpers Size 1 Snaps

We also are still loving the Thirsties natural all in one and the Smart Bottoms Born Smart. We still only have 1 but if I had my stash to do over again I would get these instead of the regular thirsties all in one.   The Thirsties all in one only holds up for about an hour, and hour and a half with a cotton doubler. We have a lot of them so it's ok but as a newborn he sleeps good stretches and if I don't change him at the 1-1.5 hour mark he will leak from his heavy wetting and that will mean a clothes change.  I don't want to wake a sleeping baby changing him but I've found myself doing this when these are on to prevent a problem thus they are now what I reach for last.  

I was having an issue with Little Joeys in that they would come out of the wash clean, I would hang to dry and then they would not smell as fresh. They didn't smell bad just not as clean. Tried putting them in the dryer and this fixed the issue. I believe since they are so thick they were not drying fast enough hanging. Just a theory.  

Fitteds- I sound like a broken record but really the ecoposh fitted is amazing!! We do have some GMD fitteds he was too small for that I'm going to try this week but truly amazed by Ecoposh. The ones we have are actually discontinued colors and they have revamped them so I have not tried the new ones but maybe with another baby would like to see if there is a difference.  I really don't reach for the Kissaluvs fitteds we have but they work when I'm waiting for the other diapers to be clean. 

Covers- Still loving the Rumparooz newborn and the Thirsties but I think the Thirsties size 1 may be taking the cake. I do have some Aplix ones (2) but I will be so honest and tell you I haven't reached for them once because so far I've liked the snaps and the snap ones we have are cute prints were the aplix are solid. So yes I pick the cute ones. Below are two of my favorite.  Listen if you are a disposable user and tired of blow outs stick one of these cover your diaper. No more poo up the back. Yes you know it happens. 

pre-folds- We have tried nothing new for pre-folds but I did order a couple Grovia pre-folds to try so I can up date this section next week. I kept trying to find good pre-fold comparisons when I was pregnant and searching and this was lacking so I'm on a mission. I can't try them all but I figured I could try Grovia since I saw them online for a really good price.  

Pockets- I have a few pockets in the wash now prepping now that our boy is 9 lbs 2 oz! Some of the one size diapers claim to start fitting around 9 pounds so I'm going to try it. When we brought him home he was too small for most of his newborn diapers so I did not even try the one size. We are absolutely in love with the AppleCheeks covers. We have 4 and thankfully they air dry fast so I do find myself starting diaper laundry once I've gone through them. He slept a 3 hour stretch last night and I stuffed an AppleCheeks cover with the Thirsties duo hemp pre-fold and we had no leaks and no issues.  AppleCheeks are made in Canada and due to the fall of the Canadian dollar the price on these will be dropping in this new year according to their marketing team.  They have a self agitating pocket meaning you don't have to pull the insert out, it comes out in the wash. (unless you stuff something in there that is too big like a size small osocozy pre-fold but it still got clean just didn't come all the way out.) 

Because of his increase in size, I'm hoping to try a lot of new things this week. Let me know what your favorite one size diapers are or sized diapers that are bigger than newborn. 

Thanks! 

Anita

Week 2 Cloth Diaper Favorites

Week 2 of cloth diapering went well. We are happy with our fluffy butt and as he has been eating pretty much non-stop the diapers have been similar. I would say 1.5-2 hours is what we change, sometimes sooner depending on what he does and what diaper he is in. We have had some funny moments where Fulton decided he liked to wait to use the restroom until either A- we have the diaper off or B- we just put a fresh diaper on. It's made for a lot of laughs but for that second one - I am SO glad we aren't using disposables. Little man can mess as many diapers as he likes I just wash them.

Week 2 Favorites

Little man has grown quite a bit and is still little but not as little.

All in One - We have the most varied types of All In Ones. I've been trying them out and so far SmartBottoms Born smart are still a winner. We have 3 of them and I wait for them to come back around in the cycle. We are also using Grovia newborn all in ones and blueberry all in ones that are discontinued but we do love them. I won't go on about them since they aren't findable. We also still love the little joeys but now that his umbilical  has fallen off I think that Smart Bottoms and the Thirsties Natural All in One for Newborns is perhaps a close second. Friends. I can't tell you how much it absorbs it's amazing. So far natural fiber totally wins. We do have some Thirsties all in ones newborn that we had some trouble getting a good fit in the legs when he was smaller but now at 7 pounds 10 ounces we are doing much better with these but they don't absorb as much and aren't as trim. If I were to do it again I would skip the regular all in ones and go for the natural but we still use them.

Thirstiest all in one natural on a 2 week old newborn.

SmartBottoms Born Smart in Sprinkles on a newborn

Pocket- We tried apple cheeks size 1 this week and I LOVE THEM. We stuff them with the GMD newborn pre-folds and this is amazing. I will say it makes for a fluffier butt so some of his clothes don't fit as well but it absorbs! A great mid afternoon diaper when he seems to do a good amount of his production.  I do want to try them overnight but I would need to put him in a bigger sleeper for that.

Pre-folds -  We are using GMD, Thirsties hemp duo and osocozy. I still appreciate the Thirsties for the absorbency and dryness but a few things we have done. I started using fleece liners with the prefolds which has helped baby stay dry and made me feel better.  Definitely like Green Mountain over Osocozy. More absorbent.

Flats- We have flour sack towels but no other flats at the moment. I don't think it's fair to pick a favorite when I've only tried one option and it works for sure. I would say you definitely could do newborn cloth diapering with just flats or prefolds and covers and it would be super economical and easy to clean. I would say if you have people who are hesitant to help you with the cloth journey this would be the options that require a little more effort as far as putting it on the baby. Anything absorbent can be a diaper so don't shy away from the flat option. We haven't purchased any addition flats at this time but could be something to try at some point.

Fitteds- Favorite is still the Ecoposh newborn fitted. So absorbent. They wash great, they don't leak, great fit. LOVE these! My little boy pees a lot and it's amazing how these hold up for the long naps.

Covers- I'm still loving the Rumparooz Newborn covers but the Thirsties size 1 covers are now fitting! WOOHOO! And let me tell you I like where they fit on the legs better as I don't think it is as low and lets move a little more. So week 2 favorite cover may be Thirsties size 1 but only a hair over the Rumaprooz and I honestly think either one would be a great addition to your diaper stash. For the little baby I would definitely go with Rumaprooz.

alright I think that wraps up week 2. I though it would be fun to include a few pictures of him in the diapers. If that helps I can do some more of this in the future.

Fulton John - Naming Our Son

When I was in college I learned about the story of Nehemiah. I learned how he asked the King for permission to go build the walls of Jerusalem. I was inspired by the story and it really impacted me that a cup bearer to the King could go and protect a city despite opposition. If you have never read the book of Nehemiah I recommend it.  I'm not sure when but at some point I had thought that Nehemiah would be a lovely name for a boy.  I shared this with my husband and for our marriage when we have talked about having a child we have referred to the child we hoped to one day have as Nehemiah.

When we found out I was pregnant we decided not to know the gender. We were so thankful for a baby we had no preference if it was a girl or boy. I would do it this way again as it was a lovely surprise at birth. We had the names picked out early on. We never consulted a baby name book we just thought we knew boy or girl what the names would be. If you surveyed our close friends they would have told you Nehemiah would be the name of a boy. 

A week before my water broke we were in the car running errands. Okay - in reality Paul was taking me to get chocolate sea salt popcorn that I was craving. I had felt like the name for a boy had been on my heart and I had wondered if it really was going to be Nehemiah but had not mentioned it. In the car, as I'm stuffing my face with popcorn my husband asks if I'm sure about the names for our baby. It started a conversation that lasted about 10 minutes. We talked through the name for the girl. We were sure. The name for the boy we decided wasn't Nehemiah but was going to be Fulton John. It was the craziest conversation in that we were both so open to the change, didn't have to debate on names we just knew. No baby name books needed. 

Fulton John. 

Fulton is after Venerable Fulton Sheen an American Bishop of the Catholic Church who died in 1979. Fulton Sheen has impacted my faith in so many ways. His book "The World's First Love" is perhaps my favorite. It gives a beautiful understanding of the role of our Blessed Mother. If you have questions about her and how to view her I recommend it. He's written some other books that have really impacted my husband including The Life of Christ. I asked him which one of us suggested Fulton and honestly we don't know but we both remember being quick to like the name. While pregnant with Fulton I went to St. Patrick's Cathedral where his body is. At the time we were still unsure if Fulton would make it this pilgrimage really encouraged our hearts. Fulton Sheen helped my faith and helped lead my husband back to the Catholic faith. It was only fitting that Venerable Fulton Sheen be the inspiration for our sons name. Fulton means bird or bird catcher. What kept my heart comforted through my pregnancy was the idea that God's eye is on the sparrow, knowing that if He was watching a bird he was definitely watching my child. 

The middle name had been long decided: John. My husband lost his father this year. It was his dad David John who inspired the Catholic faith in him. As a child he will tell you didn't see the beauty or goodness of the church but now as an adult who has come back to the faith he remembers the lessons his dad tried to instill in him. John is also the name of John Paul II whom my husband and I have a strong devotion to. Turns out John was also Fulton Sheen's middle name but we had it picked out before we were sure his name would be Fulton John. We also realized after Fulton was born and named, that it's actually the first name of his godfather too. John means "Yahweh is gracious". I didn't know this when we picked it but you can ask my husband - I find a way to name everything grace. In fact that is what my name means. It is such a grace to us that our son, who was conceived during the year of mercy and born during the hour of mercy, is here.  Grace and mercy have completely surrounded this little man and I pray they will continue to. 

It was Fulton Sheen that interceded for us during our birth. It was his writing that encouraged me during labor. It was my husband reading his book to me that gave me so much to think about and so much hope to hold on to. Then God amazed us with his addition to the name. Our son was born on the feast of St. John of the Cross. 

So the question we have been asked what was Fulton's name going to be if he was a girl? We wont's be sharing. We feel God may one day bring us a daughter and that may be her name. Who knows maybe one day we will have a child named Nehemiah.  Only God knows what is to come for our family. 

We ask that Venerable Fulton Sheen, Pope St. John Paul II, St. John of the Cross pray for us and our son that we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ. 

What did you name your child and why? I love hearing the inspiration of people's names. 

Week 1 Favorite Cloth Diapers

I sit here with my little boy asleep on me amazed that he's now 9 days old. Before he was born I spent a lot of time, more than I care to admit, reading and watching and learning about cloth diapering.  We started cloth diapering him in the hospital. I wish I could say he didn't have a disposable on his butt but after delivery after we bonded through skin to skin (after he peed on me)...the nurses took him to weigh him and measure him and handed him back in a diaper. We had an incredibly hard labor, which I will share the story of soon, and the last thing I could think about was worrying about his diaper. We didn't know if he would need to be put in the NICU so while he was watched we used disposables but at the first mention of us being discharged he got his first fluffy butt. 

First diaper: Sprinkles - Born Smart Smart Bottoms. 

This is what his dad chose. I mean who wouldn't love a donut diaper. The nurses and the hospital photographer kept saying they had never seen anything like it before. In fact they said they never have seen cloth diapers in the hospital. I'm surprised with how popular cloth diapering has become and the awareness of it. The reason most I've read give for not doing it is not wanting to come home with laundry. I was willing to risk it as I work in a hospital and every single thing that came home first thing when straight into the washer. I don't regret it at all. If I had it to do again I would cloth from the beginning or at least from his first diaper from me on.  We used disposable liners through the meconium stage and the diapers have no stains even when the liner didn't work. So don't let meconium scare you. 

So a week in what do I think about cloth diapering? 

I love it. 

I think with all my research I wasn't naive about the things that we might encounter and it also helped me know some of what was needed and what wasn't. What it couldn't tell me was what size the baby was going to be when he came out or what would fit him. So we bought and were gifted a variety. We chose to do a newborn stash which I know some people don't because they say its such a small window they fit in them, but we wanted to cloth for health reasons so we were willing to make the investment. We also figured we hoped to have other children. 

Baby boy was born 7 pounds 1 ounce at 20 inches long. He was born at 38 weeks 3 days.  He lost some weight as babies do and I think got down to 6 lbs 3 ounces at one point. My milk came in and this breast fed baby has grown. Last measurement was 6 lbs 15 ounces. So we were dealing with small legs small waist and a cord stump. 

Week 1 Favorite Cloth Diapers

Best Fitted: Ecoposh fitted- these little guys rock. We use with a cover to be safe but honestly I don't think we even need it. They are made from recycled water bottles apparently. We ordered off zulily because it was way cheaper and we were trying to stay on budget. My husband loves them and I think they are wonderful for overnight. We have ordered a few more. 

Best cover: Rumparooz newborn cover. Hands down the only one that fit when he was down in the 6 pound range and now that he's gone back up I can get some of the others on but week 1 this was  our main jam. We have 3 snaps and 1 with hook and loop. I believe I like the snaps better.  Runner up is best bottoms. We only have one so he's only had it on the bum a few times but it's the only diaper of them all he isn't on the smaller size. 

Best prefold - Thirsties duo hemp. I know everyone loves the green mountain prefolds and I like them too. Why then did I not pick them? The GMD orange edge prefolds are wet all the way through and all around when I go to change him. Thirsties stay dry the outside. and stand up to more time overnight. Little man doesn't wake up upset he's wet. I will say for prefolds of all kinds I've been using the angel wing fold with a snappi. Other uses may yield different results. These are more expensive but time will tell if thats worth it. We thankfully were gifted 3, and 2 we got on super sale. I wish we had more but its enough to cover a night.  We were gifted 12 orange edge refolds and I have been using them during the day when I can change him much more frequent. They do a great job and I love how easy to wash and dry. 

Best all in one- this is a hard one. We tried Thirsties- which I like but the legs have a gap and we had a leak so I need a chunkier baby for those. Grovia newborn all in ones have been good. No leaks but they take a long time to dry. Little Joeys and Smart bottoms give us the best fit for certain. So what's my favorite between these two? I may pick Smart Bottoms Born Smart because they are more trim and easier to fit in the car seat. Love them both though on my little man. Smart Bottoms does win on prints. 

We didn't try any all in 2s, disposables or wool. I also didn't even try and put my little man in a one size as most of them start at 8-10 lbs I do have a few brands and styles but until his cord is fully off this is what we are working with. 

We tried a few other things I didn't list on the favorites. Maybe when we finish newborn cloth diapering I'll do a run down of everything we tried and my thoughts if anyone would be interested in that. 

What are your newborn favorites if you cloth diapered? 

For those wondering- it really is easy. Wear and throw in the washing machine. If you can work a washing machine you can do this. Alright little man is waking up and needs a diaper change. 

If you have any cloth diaper questions let me know.  I'm just a first time mom navigating the cloth world. Oh how sweet is a fluffy little butt. 

Anita 

I Will Give Thanks To You For You Have Answered Me

In May 2015 Paul and I began to try to concieve. It wasn't our plan to start then, but after a trip to the shrine of Our Lady of La Leche, we went in to pray for mommas and babies we knew. We both came out of the chapel nervous to tell the other that maybe we should try to conceive. Walking in that day we can felt the time for trying to have a baby was not now, and walked out feeling the opposite. The relief to us both when we realized God had put this desire on both of our hearts.  We wanted to do our best to protect any life God would give us so we met with a naprotechnology doctor and had my charts reviewed to ensure there was nothing in them to indicate that a baby would be in danger. We were told to go for it and we did.

May...June....July....August

As the months started to pass I began to become more worried but was told wait, and trust.

So we prayed and asked. We trusted. We did several novenas asking for the intercession of the saints and our blessed Mother.

September....October....November

Each month that passed an ending and yet a new beginning to a new cycle. It began to wear on my heart. I continued to pray and trust. Continued to ask. My napro doctor continued to make suggestions and I continued to follow and hope. I found God teaching me about the persistent widow. Encouraging me to keep knocking at the door.

Then we started to notice a change in my cycles with no explanation that said things weren't improving but were worsening. The regular OBGYN tried to tell me birth control would help to "regulate my cycles" but medically that is untrue and of course wouldn't help us conceive.

December

Several rounds of blood work and we found I had very low progesterone. I had to cut out a lot of things from my diet to try and keep my adrenal glands less stressed. This included giving up sugar, coffee and several others things during the season of advent. It was no coincidence that God had the timing of this during such a penitential season. We prayed and hoped and I noticed a lot of improvements in how I felt and symptoms I was having were disappearing. Diet alone wouldn't be enough so we went on medication and were told after 3 months we would reassess.

January

February

...

Negative
...

March was a month like no other. I had more peace and hope that month, and yet my body seemed to be doing things that were strange. New symptoms, new issues and I felt like I realized that this journey we were on could be very long. It could even lead to no children. Another penitential season of the church that coincided with struggle in my life: Lent.

At the end of the month when the pregnancy test was negative I was feeling resigned. I asked my  napro doctor where we should go next but the answers were vague as there was a lot unknown.  scripts were written for all sorts of tests that would start evaluating both of us more closely.  This wasn't going to be any sort of easy physically for sure, but mentally and emotionally I really started realize we were dealing with one of my worst fears  : infertility.  I knew this sooner than I would have admitted but it took me a while to accept it.While in the midst of the challenges physically I felt God really near. I was seeking Him in bigger ways than I had and He was drawing near to me as I drew near to Him. I felt myself ready to stop checking and hoping but instead to just pray. Pray the rosary daily. Go to mass daily. While my daily schedule does not normally accommodate daily mass God seemed to work out miraculous timing for me to make it each and every day of Lent. I know He knew I needed this to keep me together. So we prayed for God to be clear of what His will would be and planned to purse the testing. I begged and asked and we journeyed to ask Our Lady of La Leche once again to pray.  

We planned to go to a mass at the Cathedral that morning, when I learned from research that they were doing mass in tiny chapel at Our Lady of La Leche. So we changed plans and thought what a beautiful place it would be to celebrate mass: a bright spot in Lent. We went but after 15 minutes with no priest appearing we were told mass was canceled due to it being Holy Week and the Chrism mass that was occurring that day. The toughness of Lent seemed to continue and I added this to the list. I felt sad but trusted that God had a reason and we found there would be a mass later that day. I was going to get to go to the daily mass I had come to desperately need.

We ended up having a pretty great day together walking around the city and seeing friends. We were settled into a favorite dessert and coffee spot and I had just ordered and been given a latte when it hit me. Mass is in 20 minutes. We must go but my coffee was just delivered...warm and wonderful. Hello temptation.  Note: I spent a lot of time without coffee and this was one of the first ones after many months. My husband asked if I wanted to go and I was honest "no but that's when we should go the most" He agreed and we packed up got in the car and went. We went in and sat down on the left side rather than on the right like we normally do.

The mass began and the priest had a joy about him. I felt joy in my heart that was truly flowing and I stared up at the statue of Our Lady of La Leche praying and asking for her intercession. Offering the mass for our intention of a baby as I had done every day of lent but this day was different. I didn't offer it with sorrow or worry I offered it with joy.  I was thankful for Jesus in the Eucharist. As the readings were read I felt like this was a beautiful mass. We said the responsorial psalm " Lord in your great love answer me" and I remember thinking about how I would love an answer for a child. Lord please. In your great love answer our prayers. We stood for the gospel and the priest read about Judas trading the savior for 30 pieces of silver. It hit me as he read how much we ask or trade for. I asked Him to forgive me if my heart if that was in me and to cleanse me from any desire that wasn't from Him. The homily was shared. He encouraged us to be faithful in our walk, reminded us to be in community and was very joyful. Then my favorite part: communion. As the priest read the discourse I looked up again at our Lady. I could see the light hitting her left cheek in a way that almost look like a reflection from a tear that had rolled down. I can't say the statue was crying but its how I imagine that would look. I thought if there was a time for our blessed mother to have tears it probably would be now as we remade present the sacrifice of Christ. The picture of her holding her son in such a tender position breastfeeding him, looking down as His broken flesh and blood was made present on the altar gave a glimpse into her heart. The suffering that truly giving your life and your will to God  can be. I asked God to grow my heart like Mary's. The host was bigger than at my home parish and the blood had a deep sweetness to it that I honestly could have consumed all of it. It was as though what I had come accustomed to each day of Lent was made new that day.  I walked back to my pew knelt and found myself just saying thank you. No petition as I usually did...just thank you. I was overwhelmed with gratitude for His sacrifice and to Mary for her fiat.

We finished mass. We genuflected and walked out and the priest was at the door. I heard the man in front of me tell father "God bless you" to which he replied "may he bless you more. and more"

We shook his hand and I said thank you. and he stopped us. He said he could tell we were a very special couple. He asked if we were local and how long we had been married. He then asked if we had children. I told him we were waiting on God and Paul mentioned we were praying. I was used to this and I smiled as I answered.

He continued to talk to us about this and said that if we don't ask we don't receive and at times we must ask deeply and demand.  I felt my eyes start to sting.... I had asked. I demanded Gods will be done but prayed and prayed His will was children. I asked every saint I knew of who could intercede for us. It wasn't a lack of asking but I figured maybe I needed to keep asking. Maybe this was my encouragement to keep knocking at the door.

He then put his hand up to pray for us and bless us. My heart was overwhelmed with emotion. His kindness, my fears and the true hurt that comes from infertility. He prayed for myself, my husband and our marriage. He then stopped and told us we needed to prepare because "God is going to bless you with children." I felt my heart thankful that someday it would happen. I believed what he was saying.  He then told us that a couple had just emailed him that after 8 years of trying they were pregnant. He said they were the  3rd couple he had encountered who had conceived and that he believed we would be the fourth. He told us again we would have children and made it clear that he was sure of it. He said "sometimes I joke a lot but I'm not joking right now." He told us we had to bring the baby to come play in the church. We agreed but something in my heart wondered how long it would be before we could that. We said goodbye and I couldn't believe that A- We almost missed mass B- that I had ever worried about just having my coffee instead and C- that this was the third mass we attempted to attend that day and it was clear this was where God wanted us. God even met me with my coffee still warm in the car after mass just another way He was showing me He was in control. What we didn't know is that favorite coffee shop was closed down while we were in mass, and we can never go back.

So we had faith and we trusted. The encouragement was exactly what I needed. My prayer: Lord in your great love answer me He met me where I was through his servant.

I trusted that God would provide a baby for us in His timing. 

10 days later I went to mass and the responsorial psalm was " I will give thanks to you for you have answered me." I thought to myself "well that's interesting" but didn't really think long on it.

A few weeks passed and the month was much different than previous. I was still having strange symptoms but I just decided to not worry about them. As the month end came I didn't even plan to take a pregnancy test. There is only so many times you need to see a negative test. However, after a few strange things happened including me feeling overly emotional I figured well I might as well make sure. Then I saw it. Two lines. So excited and yet so scared knowing this baby was going to need a miracle and the help of napro to make it. It took progesterone injections and serial blood work for weeks until we could be sure that this baby made it through the first trimester. Now in the 3rd trimester and we are both doing great.

I felt I could finally understand those lines in scripture "Mary pondered all these things in her heart." Turns out we conceived 9 days from the time the priest told us we would have a child. That 10th day I was pregnant but didn't know it yet the Holy Spirit was already telling me to give thanks for the Mighty One had done great things for me. Our good news came during the Easter season, and our Lent truly was over. Now we wait for the next joyful season: Christmas. We find it no coincidence we are due December 25th 2016.